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The same logic doesn’t apply to all horror films. Although some priests are indeed Irish, the assumption that the priest in a horror movie must be Irish stems from gross generalization. By the same token, the Irish stereotype: ‘all priests are Irish’ is true to some degree but not as an absolute. Let’s take a deeper look into the young girls who are kidnapped by the Vatican to hunt down super evil demon angels. It begs the question as to what kind of background these girls would likely possess. A sweet young novice who happened to have ‘visions’ is, in my opinion, a rather weak explanation. What is the reason behind the Vatican’s compulsion to search for such a novice? Is it a sign from God? A vision? Or a visitation from Valek? Anything would work. Out of fairness, at one point during the film, one of the nuns goes into rapid exposition to the audience, Plot, plot, plot, plot, Valek, Boom! These are the only fighting words she utters and boy does she deliver. On the topic of Valek, I’ll finish her blasting introduction for the context. The super evil nun chilling in the satanic castle which was constructed by the super evil duke and was overrun in the first crusade of 1191. That’s a long time of silence. And she still doesn’t say a word. Seriously, not a single word. Gallivanting around through inclusion of every conjuring film, and finally getting a chance to shine, Valek? Nothing.
Of course, there were a few growls and a hiss or two, but no real dialogue. It’s not as if Valek had to have every single word down pat. As we know, coming up with all the best words is hard, but a few catchphrases would have done the trick. Something like “If you want holy, I will give you holy,” or “conjure this, you potato-eating two-bit padre.” Just something. By the way, there are no Romanians in this Romanian movie. Nobody has an accent. Apparently everyone speaks English perfectly. The only person they encounter is a French (Canadian?) fellow and guess what…his name is Frenchie! And he speaks… English. Frenchie is the star of the show. He is, of course, the glue that holds the whole production together. The best part? He speaks English. The worst part? He never ‘fraid of no Valek. He’s hunky. He’s got a gun. He doesn’t need French. He’s got a crush on the super fine novitiate. What’s not to like? Well, for one thing, the entirety of this film is an absolutely massive exploration of pull-focus trickery and (mostly) the most pathetic jump scares that you ever did see, but did not scare you.
It allowed the filmmaker to design a world in which literally everything could be ‘Valek’. Indeed, you are focused on one figure but there’s much happening on the screen that could be Valek. Shadowy figures, abandoned loaves of bread, clouded piles of…everything is coming up Valek ! Oddly, Valek is in only a few scenes. A little Valek here or a little Valek there. Robes, tapestries, paintings and clothes hanging everywhere. Not quite the omnipotent presence you’d expect from a super evil nun trapped in a satanic castle created by a massively evil Duke. The castle a super evil Duke created is no, that Valek is selective about her appearances. Nun in the face of true evil try their best to savior of the lord but while doing so they seem to be stuck on the phrase of the lord’s prayer. The Bible contains over 1200 plus pages, so it seems, haha poor nuns. They can’t seem to come up with anything besides the Lord’s powerful prayer. Well, can’t we say, how are there no creepy chanting phrases that are highly suspiciously weird? No, nothing. Good, I guess a couple of jump scares to do the trick. Besides that fact, there is a really cool bit with ringing bells in a cemetery overflowing with fog that some jump scares do work nicely. But when, oh when will they show subtlety in this film?
There isn’t a lot of dramatic tension. There is no build and there is no drop. Characters aren’t built, they’re just set aside. Filmmakers do a clumsy and poor job of putting together a Conjuring intro/outro which acts as an additional strange dump of useless context. Let’s pray that Conjuring III doesn’t start with Frenchie’s exorcism and the Valek character weakly returning. For transparency, this review is not well researched, In fact it is poorly done, messy, too fast, and careless. I suppose sloppy conjures sloppy.
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