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“Ice Station Zebra” is a film that is so dull and standard that its three points of interest are laughable. If it had been a normal Saturday afternoon thriller, it would have been entertaining. However, it has been stretched out to roadshow length and filled with gimmicks to mask the thinness of the story.
I think we can all admit that the story feels rather lacking. Perhaps, it was originally rich and detailed but got overly edited. This may explain why the plot is so loose, for instance, we’re never certain of who exactly the Russian spy is or if there are two. People without explanation seem to know that somebody was capable of jamming the torpedo tube open and nearly sinking the sub. It is baffling. We are given information that a nuclear submarine can travel from Scotland to the North Pole within three days. How though?
The sub is now en route to the Arctic Circle in order to retrieve some film that is said to belong to a Russian spy satellite. While the Russians are on their way to being stuck in an ice storm, the sub gets there first. On board, there is at least one spy who wants to end the mission. Maybe more. Who knows?
Rock Hudson plays the commander of the sub and Douglas Heyes gave him some fairly respectable lines. He also had several brief discussions with a James Bond-type character played by Patrick McGoohan. Unfortunately for Hudson, the only benefit of these lines and exchanges seems to be underlining just how wooden and emotionless an actor he really is.
We never care about him for even a moment or believe a single word he says.
But, on the contrary, Jim Brown musters character interest in the movie with his quirkiness and his interesting sense of humor. Brown Baldwin has detailed roughly 6 scripted lines and to top it all off, Ernest Borgnine is burdened with a weak excuse of disbelief-inducing Russian accent.
Much has been said regarding the special effects of the ‘Ice Station Zebra’ and so it was rather distracting to learn that they were so awful. The very first shot of the satellite is ridiculously obviously a toy model and in no way compares to the best space sequences in “A Space Odyssey.” Snaps of the capsule satellite capsule descending to our planet and other footage of Russian skydivers are equally models weighing a few ounces dramatically plummeting onto a tablet set. During the moments on board the submarine bridge, the horizon goes down with the submarine, We seem to be able to perceive the backdrop men moving the painted set up and down.
In the most astonishing oversight of all, the Arctic Circle scenes are done as though it were not cold. Hudson and his men begin with fur hats, masks, goggles, and all the rest. But at the moment of the showdown with the Russian commander, all the leading actors are shown bareheaded and barefaced. At those Arctic temperatures, their noses would freeze, crack, and fall off before they managed to get their case well underway. Another funny thing is that when the actors speak, there is not a single breath that freezes.
There are, as I said, three good scenes. One is when the sub, after the opening of the torpedo tube, goes into a tag uncontrolled dive. One other is when the ice bear with several crew members contained therein collapses and becomes trapped inside the revolving walls of a cavern. The impact of this scene is diluted in the very next scene, however, when the same sub is threatened. There should be interspersed variety in the parallel action. In the third scene, which is the last good one, Hudson defeats the Russian commander and with that phrase provides a sharp, ironic ending for a dull, stupid film.
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